iMPACT Recap – March 8th

http://blip.tv/gameandamovie/impact-recap-3-8-2012-6018074

Why do I keep doing this to myself?

iMPACT Wrestling – 2/23/12

I really can’t believe that this is going to become a running thing. I’m serious, I keep asking myself, “Why, why, a thousand times why are we watching iMPACT?” And the only answer I keep coming back to is “Because somebody needs to.” That is seriously all that keeps me doing this, the fact that the only other person I’ve seen review iMPACT stopped doing it, whether because of time constraints  or possibly so he could stay sane. No point in wasting any more time (no matter how much I want to), let’s head into the iMPACT Zone to see how they could screw this up.

(0:01) I didn’t mention this in last week’s review, because I seriously didn’t see this becoming a plot point. Last week, at the end of the Bully Ray-James Storm match, Storm is having a beer with one of the Giants’ running backs, Brandon Jacobs. Bully Ray comes in and knocks Storm down, steals Jacobs’ beer, and spits it in Jacobs’ face, and then Jacobs shoves Bully Ray into the side of the ring. They have now announced that tonight, Brandon Jacobs is back in the iMPACT Zone. I really wish I had more batteries for my new camera, because my face is saying things my fingers never could.

(0:04) Bobby Roode comes out, and I get filled in on what my DVR cut off last week. What happened was, Sting announced the match at Lockdown, and then Roode beat the crap out of him. And afterward, Sting tweeted “I’m done”. So now Bobby Roode is in the ring, with his belt, in a fucking suit no less, gloating to the crowd about Sting’s tweet. How much do you want to bet that any second Sting is going to come out for revenge while he’s in the ring?

(0:08) I really need to stop predicting that Impact is going to do something with these angles that might actually be interesting, or might actually result in wrestling. Roode talks about how he is the only man who can claim to have ended Sting’s career and blah, blah, blah. And then, just on the off chance you were tired of all the talking, we cut to what is apparently the parking lot, where we get Crimson and Matt Morgan, and…more talking. This time, it’s about their upcoming tag team match against Samoa Joe and Magnus, and it has been so long since I did anything wrestling related, I can’t even tell which one is which here. I also like how about a quarter to a third of the shot is taken up by something that the camera man is hiding behind, like he’s afraid that they’re going to catch him, despite having perfect audio, which in turn makes me think about an audio guy struggling to hold a twenty foot boom mic around a corner without being seen.

So, immediately after that, the match for the tag team championship starts, and nothing ultimately comes from it because who would schedule for the heels to lose a title on anything but a pay-per-view event?

(0:09) And then, and then, before we even start the fucking match, we get Taz and Mike Tenay talking about the tension between Matt Morgan and Crimson. WE KNOW! WE KNOW BECAUSE THEY PUT IT ON DISPLAY LESS THAN A MINUTE AGO! YOUR VIEWERS ARE NOT FUCKING GOLDFISH!

This is apparently what happens to Impact between events. I have to take my ring off, because if I don’t I will scar my temple from slapping myself in the side of the head. For several minutes, I was choking air because I couldn’t choke Taz and Mike Tenay. I have pushed my glasses off in disgust twice, that’s how stupid I find what they just said.

Magnus and Samoa Joe come out, and I have to pause to address something. I know that this is wrestling entertainment. There are stories to be told and it’s a kind of performance, Masterpiece Theater for the Natural Ice set. About two years ago, Samoa Joe was kidnapped by ninjas. Just let that sink in for a moment. A large Samoan man had a bag thrown over his head, and was pushed into a van, by ninjas, on national fucking television. And not a single cop was called nor a single fuck given.

(0:18) We come back from commercial, and the match is still going on. Samoa Joe and Crimson are tagged in, and their both slow getting up, so they each tag out. But Samoa Joe doesn’t get out of the ring right away, so now it’s Matt Morgan fighting Samoa Joe and Magnus all at once. Morgan manages to get them both by the neck, so he knocks their heads together, and I swear to Aisha, I hear the bonk sound you hear on sitcoms like Gilligan’s Island. Magnus and Samoa Joe keep the titles on a three count from a flying elbow drop.

(0:26) Back from commercial again, and Brandon Jacobs comes out to, what else?, talk. He talks about how he’s fresh off the Super Bowl, and I immediately call bull, just on the timing. For me, fresh is a week to a week and a half, tops. Super Bowl 46 was damn near three weeks ago. If the Super Bowl were bananas, you’d be forced to make banana bread out of them. He explains what happened last week, despite us just having seen a replay not two minutes ago. He calls out Bully Ray, who obliges and immediately shows off his calves. Bully Ray shoots his mouth off about how he’d love to face Jacobs in the ring, but says he’s going to stay down on the ramp. Jacobs climbs out of the ring to go after Bully Ray, and he runs off like a coward.

(0:47) We come back from commercial after a lackluster match between Zema Ion and Alex Shelley, and we’re treated to a recap of what’s been happening between Garett and Eric Bischoff, and then we get an interview with Garett and then Hulk Hogan talks to him about the crap Eric will pull to take him out. And then we get Madison Rayne talking about the whole Sting situation, and how he hasn’t been fair to her or Gail Kim, and…I’ve lost you already, haven’t I? Don’t worry about it, no one else cares either. And then she mentions how she became the #1 contender for the Knockouts title, and just like last week, I fast-forwarded through because of how little I care.

(0:57) Gail Kim and ODB who comes in with Eric Young. I just do not care – In fact, I fast forwarded through this match too. Gail Kim gets the win in eight minutes, and she’s still pissed at Madison Rayne over the whole #1 contender thing.

(1:12) So, we come back from commercial again, and there’s another title match. Yes, TNA. We get it. You have title belts. Three out of the four matches so far have shown the titles on screen, and the fourth involved the contender for the X-Division Title, so I say we count that one too. So, we get AJ Styles against Robbie E for the Television Title. And since his gimmick is the whole “Jersey Shore” thing, I guess I have to talk about that for a moment.

I hate everyone involved with the creation of this piece of complete and total garbage. It-I find it fucking baffling that people willingly tune in to watch these horrible excuses for people. I have had to resort to an ethnic slur for these…things. I can’t call them Italian, or even New Jersey Italian, because that would be an insult to anyone who has any Italian heritage, and that includes my three cousins and my uncle. I hate ethnic slurs (and that’s why I’m not typing it out), but these things have left me no other options. Like I said, I can’t call them New Jersey Italians, because I know and am related to New Jersey Italians, and they have souls, unlike the hideous, soulless abominations on the Jersey Fucking Shore.

(1:18) Daniels and Kazarian come out, and they’re pissed about things that AJ Styles said before the match. So they pull him out of the ring and throw him against the guard rail, Robbie E gets DQ’ed because of the interference, and since the title doesn’t change hands on a DQ, this is really the only way that this title match could end.

(1:23) I never noticed this before (because I tend to fast forward past the whole merch section), but there are Impact trading cards. And now, I kind of want to see a TNA Impact trading card game.

(1:25) We come to the main event, Bully Ray and Kurt Angle against James Storm and Jeff Hardy, but fuck that, I’ve got more to say about the online store. There is a games section, and for a moment I thought that TNA had beat me to the punch with the trading card game idea. But no, it’s better than that. There is a fucking TNA DVD Board Game. Holy shitsnacks. I might have to post something with supplemental info about how DVD board games work, but I just- I could not imagine something like this existing.

(1:45) I will say this in Impact’s favor – They did deliver on hyping up Brandon Jacobs involvement. The tag team match ends with Kurt Angle and Jeff Hardy out, and James Storm pinning Bully Ray after Brandon Jacobs choke-slams him through a fucking table. This was a damn good match. I will give TNA credit where it earns it. But that was the main event, and there’s still fifteen minutes left, so pretty much all of that is going to be Sting talking.

(1:57) So Sting comes out to make his big announcement, and surprise surprise, he’s not quitting TNA. In fact, the only thing he’s quitting is his authority role and going back to being an active wrestler, and he tells us this in the same tone of voice as motivational speaker Matt Foley, WHO LIVES IN A VAN…DOWN BY THE RIVER! He then announces a match between himself and Bobby Roode at Victory Road. Roode tries to kick him in the crotch, but Sting catches the kick, gently lowers Roode’s leg, and then kicks him in the crotch.

And of course, since I tried to outsmart them by taping an extra fifteen minutes in case they ran over, they end on time. Holy fuck, was this iMPACT awful. Nothing fucking happened, nothing mattered. The only entertaining match of the night was the main event, and that was middling at best until Brandon Jacobs put Bully Ray through a table.

And do you know what the worst part is? From everything I’ve heard, this is a return to form for iMPACT. I’m doomed, aren’t I?

iMPACT Wrestling – 2/16/12

Now, I am not, in the strictest sense of the term, a “wrestling fan”. In fact, the last time I watched wrestling, it was…well, right around this time last year. I recall it not being the wisest decision I’ve ever made. But, since The Spoony One has apparently stopped watching and bitching about iMPACT in favor of more productive efforts (a move that I’m sure his doctor approves of), I figured, why the hell not. Not being a wrestling fan may prove to be an advantage, because anything that I can point out as being stupid, wrestling fans must have seen coming a mile away.