Posts Tagged ‘february’


Review: Seven Psychopaths

February 2, 2013

Holy fucking shit.

That could be your review right there. Three words, holy fucking shit. Because that’s what I found myself saying throughout most of this movie. But since I don’t want to just crap something out, I’ll elaborate (also, you’ll have to forgive me if I skimp on some of the details – I’m running on about three hours of sleep).

The main focus of Seven Psychopaths is really a writer by the name of Martin Faranan, who is working on a movie appropriately titled Seven Psychopaths. But he doesn’t have to go it alone, being helped by his friends Billy and Hans, who kidnap dogs so they can return them to their owner for a reward. Billy is an out of work actor, and Hans helps with the dogs to get money for his African-American wife who’s in the hospital with cancer. I normally wouldn’t have mentioned that she was African-American, but it comes up more than a few times in the movie.

As Martin is writing his screenplay, Billy has kidnapped the shih-tzu of a mob boss. So most of the movie deals with Martin’s attempts to come up with convincing psychopaths while helping Billy and Hans not get killed by the mafia. Fair warning: Last chance to skip to the last paragraph to bypass the spoilers.

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Review: Civilization V

February 25, 2012

It feels like far too long since I’ve done a proper review. Talk about network decay. But we’re not here to talk about references to TVTropes, we’re here to talk Civ V. I really don’t have much of a history with the Civilization series – my first encounter was Civ III, and I remember not really enjoying it.

After hearing so much on the internet about Civilization IV, I decided to try it out. I wound up falling in love with it. I would spend upwards of thousands of turns and dozens of hours just seeing how far I could take it. After seeing all sorts of positive things about Civilization V on the internet, I decided to check it out.

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Game and a Movie Riff Theater – What About School Spirit?

February 24, 2012


On Youtube

In this special, I crack jokes about the social mores of the 50s and the fact that Lawrence High School is decidedly monochromatic.

What About School Spirit by Centron Corporation for McGraw-Hill Video courtesy of The Prelinger Archive


iMPACT Wrestling – 2/23/12

February 24, 2012

I really can’t believe that this is going to become a running thing. I’m serious, I keep asking myself, “Why, why, a thousand times why are we watching iMPACT?” And the only answer I keep coming back to is “Because somebody needs to.” That is seriously all that keeps me doing this, the fact that the only other person I’ve seen review iMPACT stopped doing it, whether because of time constraints  or possibly so he could stay sane. No point in wasting any more time (no matter how much I want to), let’s head into the iMPACT Zone to see how they could screw this up.

(0:01) I didn’t mention this in last week’s review, because I seriously didn’t see this becoming a plot point. Last week, at the end of the Bully Ray-James Storm match, Storm is having a beer with one of the Giants’ running backs, Brandon Jacobs. Bully Ray comes in and knocks Storm down, steals Jacobs’ beer, and spits it in Jacobs’ face, and then Jacobs shoves Bully Ray into the side of the ring. They have now announced that tonight, Brandon Jacobs is back in the iMPACT Zone. I really wish I had more batteries for my new camera, because my face is saying things my fingers never could.

(0:04) Bobby Roode comes out, and I get filled in on what my DVR cut off last week. What happened was, Sting announced the match at Lockdown, and then Roode beat the crap out of him. And afterward, Sting tweeted “I’m done”. So now Bobby Roode is in the ring, with his belt, in a fucking suit no less, gloating to the crowd about Sting’s tweet. How much do you want to bet that any second Sting is going to come out for revenge while he’s in the ring?

(0:08) I really need to stop predicting that Impact is going to do something with these angles that might actually be interesting, or might actually result in wrestling. Roode talks about how he is the only man who can claim to have ended Sting’s career and blah, blah, blah. And then, just on the off chance you were tired of all the talking, we cut to what is apparently the parking lot, where we get Crimson and Matt Morgan, and…more talking. This time, it’s about their upcoming tag team match against Samoa Joe and Magnus, and it has been so long since I did anything wrestling related, I can’t even tell which one is which here. I also like how about a quarter to a third of the shot is taken up by something that the camera man is hiding behind, like he’s afraid that they’re going to catch him, despite having perfect audio, which in turn makes me think about an audio guy struggling to hold a twenty foot boom mic around a corner without being seen.

So, immediately after that, the match for the tag team championship starts, and nothing ultimately comes from it because who would schedule for the heels to lose a title on anything but a pay-per-view event?

(0:09) And then, and then, before we even start the fucking match, we get Taz and Mike Tenay talking about the tension between Matt Morgan and Crimson. WE KNOW! WE KNOW BECAUSE THEY PUT IT ON DISPLAY LESS THAN A MINUTE AGO! YOUR VIEWERS ARE NOT FUCKING GOLDFISH!

This is apparently what happens to Impact between events. I have to take my ring off, because if I don’t I will scar my temple from slapping myself in the side of the head. For several minutes, I was choking air because I couldn’t choke Taz and Mike Tenay. I have pushed my glasses off in disgust twice, that’s how stupid I find what they just said.

Magnus and Samoa Joe come out, and I have to pause to address something. I know that this is wrestling entertainment. There are stories to be told and it’s a kind of performance, Masterpiece Theater for the Natural Ice set. About two years ago, Samoa Joe was kidnapped by ninjas. Just let that sink in for a moment. A large Samoan man had a bag thrown over his head, and was pushed into a van, by ninjas, on national fucking television. And not a single cop was called nor a single fuck given.

(0:18) We come back from commercial, and the match is still going on. Samoa Joe and Crimson are tagged in, and their both slow getting up, so they each tag out. But Samoa Joe doesn’t get out of the ring right away, so now it’s Matt Morgan fighting Samoa Joe and Magnus all at once. Morgan manages to get them both by the neck, so he knocks their heads together, and I swear to Aisha, I hear the bonk sound you hear on sitcoms like Gilligan’s Island. Magnus and Samoa Joe keep the titles on a three count from a flying elbow drop.

(0:26) Back from commercial again, and Brandon Jacobs comes out to, what else?, talk. He talks about how he’s fresh off the Super Bowl, and I immediately call bull, just on the timing. For me, fresh is a week to a week and a half, tops. Super Bowl 46 was damn near three weeks ago. If the Super Bowl were bananas, you’d be forced to make banana bread out of them. He explains what happened last week, despite us just having seen a replay not two minutes ago. He calls out Bully Ray, who obliges and immediately shows off his calves. Bully Ray shoots his mouth off about how he’d love to face Jacobs in the ring, but says he’s going to stay down on the ramp. Jacobs climbs out of the ring to go after Bully Ray, and he runs off like a coward.

(0:47) We come back from commercial after a lackluster match between Zema Ion and Alex Shelley, and we’re treated to a recap of what’s been happening between Garett and Eric Bischoff, and then we get an interview with Garett and then Hulk Hogan talks to him about the crap Eric will pull to take him out. And then we get Madison Rayne talking about the whole Sting situation, and how he hasn’t been fair to her or Gail Kim, and…I’ve lost you already, haven’t I? Don’t worry about it, no one else cares either. And then she mentions how she became the #1 contender for the Knockouts title, and just like last week, I fast-forwarded through because of how little I care.

(0:57) Gail Kim and ODB who comes in with Eric Young. I just do not care – In fact, I fast forwarded through this match too. Gail Kim gets the win in eight minutes, and she’s still pissed at Madison Rayne over the whole #1 contender thing.

(1:12) So, we come back from commercial again, and there’s another title match. Yes, TNA. We get it. You have title belts. Three out of the four matches so far have shown the titles on screen, and the fourth involved the contender for the X-Division Title, so I say we count that one too. So, we get AJ Styles against Robbie E for the Television Title. And since his gimmick is the whole “Jersey Shore” thing, I guess I have to talk about that for a moment.

I hate everyone involved with the creation of this piece of complete and total garbage. It-I find it fucking baffling that people willingly tune in to watch these horrible excuses for people. I have had to resort to an ethnic slur for these…things. I can’t call them Italian, or even New Jersey Italian, because that would be an insult to anyone who has any Italian heritage, and that includes my three cousins and my uncle. I hate ethnic slurs (and that’s why I’m not typing it out), but these things have left me no other options. Like I said, I can’t call them New Jersey Italians, because I know and am related to New Jersey Italians, and they have souls, unlike the hideous, soulless abominations on the Jersey Fucking Shore.

(1:18) Daniels and Kazarian come out, and they’re pissed about things that AJ Styles said before the match. So they pull him out of the ring and throw him against the guard rail, Robbie E gets DQ’ed because of the interference, and since the title doesn’t change hands on a DQ, this is really the only way that this title match could end.

(1:23) I never noticed this before (because I tend to fast forward past the whole merch section), but there are Impact trading cards. And now, I kind of want to see a TNA Impact trading card game.

(1:25) We come to the main event, Bully Ray and Kurt Angle against James Storm and Jeff Hardy, but fuck that, I’ve got more to say about the online store. There is a games section, and for a moment I thought that TNA had beat me to the punch with the trading card game idea. But no, it’s better than that. There is a fucking TNA DVD Board Game. Holy shitsnacks. I might have to post something with supplemental info about how DVD board games work, but I just- I could not imagine something like this existing.

(1:45) I will say this in Impact’s favor – They did deliver on hyping up Brandon Jacobs involvement. The tag team match ends with Kurt Angle and Jeff Hardy out, and James Storm pinning Bully Ray after Brandon Jacobs choke-slams him through a fucking table. This was a damn good match. I will give TNA credit where it earns it. But that was the main event, and there’s still fifteen minutes left, so pretty much all of that is going to be Sting talking.

(1:57) So Sting comes out to make his big announcement, and surprise surprise, he’s not quitting TNA. In fact, the only thing he’s quitting is his authority role and going back to being an active wrestler, and he tells us this in the same tone of voice as motivational speaker Matt Foley, WHO LIVES IN A VAN…DOWN BY THE RIVER! He then announces a match between himself and Bobby Roode at Victory Road. Roode tries to kick him in the crotch, but Sting catches the kick, gently lowers Roode’s leg, and then kicks him in the crotch.

And of course, since I tried to outsmart them by taping an extra fifteen minutes in case they ran over, they end on time. Holy fuck, was this iMPACT awful. Nothing fucking happened, nothing mattered. The only entertaining match of the night was the main event, and that was middling at best until Brandon Jacobs put Bully Ray through a table.

And do you know what the worst part is? From everything I’ve heard, this is a return to form for iMPACT. I’m doomed, aren’t I?


Review: Saints Row 2

February 17, 2012

Y’know, sometimes it’s difficult to review games. Sure, it’s easy when games are good, and it’s also pretty easy, if a little painful, when games are bad. And then you get games that are kind of indescribable.

This is one of these games.

Let’s face the facts here, any review of Saints Row 2 is going to eventually bring up Grand Theft Auto. The games are very similar, and reviewers really don’t like to do a lot of writing or research. So  Random Modern Sandbox Game comes out? Compare it to Grand Theft Auto. This is GTA4 on crack. This is what would have resulted if Rockstar NYC had given Rockstar Toronto no limits beside no superpowers and no visible nudity, and a budget of infinity dollars.

The character creation mode is possibly the most insane part of the game. Yes, there are explosions, and the explosions are insane. But with the character creation, you can make practically anything, from the hideous…

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Review: Star Trek Online

February 8, 2012

Space…the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Annapolis. Its continuing mission mission: to explore strange new worlds, the seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before…

On the off chance it’s not obvious by now, I am a huge nerd. I happen to be one of that rarest breed of nerd: the kind able to reconcile a love for Star Wars and a love for Star Trek. It probably stems from my father being able to do the same, but that’s not important right now – We’re here to talk Star Trek Online.

Star Trek Online went free-to-play on January 17th, and I stumbled across it last Friday. I started installing it, which was in itself no small task – three and a half gigs of data took about two hours, plus the half-hour to install – but by one Saturday morning, I was ready to play. I played until four AM. I know this because I had Adult Swim on and The Brak Show started.

I’m just going to come out and say it – I love this game. There are three science fiction vehicles I have wanted – Star Wars: Rogue Squadron let me fly the Millennium Falcon, a mod for Vice City let me drive a time-traveling Delorean, and Star Trek Online lets me tool around in a Constitution Class Heavy Cruiser.

Buuut…if you really want to nitpick, the mission structure suffers from some of the same problems that a lot of the original series – namely, that the main characters (in this case, the player as opposed to the Enterprise captained by either Kirk or Picard) are apparently the only Federation starship in the quadrant who can handle the situation, despite the fact that you just passed a dozen ships to get to the last mission, some of the battles are just insane (just as an example, a Constitution-class taking on an enemy capital ship with double its hull strength and the ability to teleport in other enemy ships while the Constitution’s allies play grab-ass in the background), and occasionally the weapons won’t fire, but that seems to be more of a lag issue because it only happens in the presence of a crapload of human players.

These are all minor issues, evidenced by the fact that Star Trek Online is the reason I haven’t posted anything in a while. I’ve been in the Beta Quadrant with my Constitution Class.


Review: The Warriors and Back to the Future Episode II

March 4, 2011


A modern re-telling of Xenophon’s Anabasis, The Warriors pits nine men of the Coney Island gang, the Warriors, against all of the gangs of New York City as they make their way back home. And all of these gangs are out for the Warriors’ blood, because they’ve been falsely accused of murdering Cyrus, leader of the most powerful gang in the city, the Gramercy Riffs.

During a midnight meeting called by Cyrus, he is shot in the chest by Rogues leader Luther, played by David Patrick Kelly. He immediately accuses the Warriors of the murder, and they are forced to flee. Taking the subways and running on foot from the enemy, the Warriors must traverse the 30 miles from Van Cortlandt Park back to Coney in the course of one night.

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