Posts Tagged ‘january’

h1

Review: Carny

January 26, 2012

I really hope that all of you appreciate me doing this review in the condition I’m in. I’ve been sick since Sunday, coughing my brains out and blowing my nose across the room, but I made a promise to you, and I intend to keep it. Although that could be the off-and-on fever talking. Well, regardless, let’s take a look at Carny.

The film doesn’t waste any time getting started, with a Latino man meeting the owner of a carnival to deliver…some guy in a foam rubber latex. It’s supposed to be some kind of monster, but it’s just so obviously some guy in a suit. The carnival owner says he wasn’t expecting the delivery until the next day, and the delivery man says that he drove non-stop and that he’s glad to be rid of it. The carnival owner asks him to get it off the truck, and the driver says it’s not coming off the truck until he gets paid-wait, wait. Hold on just a second.

So, the guy who’s anxious to get this supposed monster off his truck, is now refusing to take the monster off the truck until he gets his money. You know what, I just have a feeling about this movie, so I’m going to start a counter.

Idiot Count: 1

Read the rest of this entry ?

Advertisements
h1

The New Facebook Timeline Format: Eeah?

January 25, 2012

Before anyone asks, I’m working on the Carny review through a cold, but it will be up. But since I saw about the new Facebook format on the news (By the way, great journalistic focus, guys), so I decided to check it out.

It’s alright.

Admittedly, I don’t really have any stake in this – I really only use Facebook for some of the games – but I really don’t see what all the hate is about. Sure, it’s maybe a little more clunky having a line with posts attached to either side as opposed to the individual posts, but it’s honestly not that bad.

It’s part of human nature to be averse to change. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t. I happen to think it works this time, but you’re more than welcome to think otherwise. That’s what freedom is all about.

h1

Review: Haunted Prison

January 18, 2012

Let me preface this by saying that I caught the last few minutes of a movie called Phantom Racer that ended with the stock car racing equivalent of Christine being loaded by a fork lift into a car crusher. And now, the world’s most obvious joke in this circumstance.

♫He tried to kill me with a fork lift! Olé!♫

The movie starts with a group of kids making a documentary about the prison at Isla de la Roca. The former guard that they’re interviewing tells them that a riot started after one of the guards went off the deep end and shot an inmate in his cell. And then one of the guards opened the cells, probably due to being a fucking moron.  As he’s running from the prisoners, he dumps containers of flamible liquid, lights it, and tries to hide in the gas chamber. He is forced to cut off his own legs with a fire axe to get the door closed.

Read the rest of this entry ?

h1

Review: Pumpkinhead – Blood Feud

January 15, 2012

So, yeah. A day late on this one, but don’t blame me, blame Fable III for being awesome. And me for being lazy.

I think, before we get into the actual film, we need a little background on Pumpkinhead.

The first film, aptly titled Pumpkinhead, was released in 1988, with the general plot that campers run over Lance Hendriksen’s son. He takes his son to a local witch, the son comes back as the titular Pumpkinhead and proceeds to murder the campers.

The second, Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings has precisely fuck all to do with the first. A bunch of dumbass teens find an evil spell and resurrect Pumpkinhead, who proceeds to turn on them and the townspeople. And Roger Clinton plays the mayor of the town for some reason. Yes, as in brother of former president Bill Clinton. A game followed, Bloodwings: Pumpkinhead’s Revenge, which itself had fuck all to do with the movie. I can’t give you any more information about the game because I don’t condone torture.

A third, Pumpkinhead: Ashes to Ashes completely ignored the events of the second, dealing primarily with a mortician who harvests organs of the deceased and dumps them in the swamp, and the Pumpkinhead-reanimated corpse of Lance Hendriksen.

Which brings us to this week’s film, Pumpkinhead: Blood Feud.

The movie starts out with two people on dirtbikes fleeing from what I assume to be Pumpkinhead because of the red filter in the shots. One of the men hits a log in the road and the fireworks that he was apparently carrying in his engine go off, setting the bike on fire. He is then set upon by Pumpkinhead in what have to be the worst special effects I’ve seen since Silent Night, Deadly Night and its sequel, while an ill-defined third man in a cabin in a equally ill-defined location feels everything Pumpkinhead puts the downed biker through.

Read the rest of this entry ?

h1

Review: The Clockwork Man – The Hidden World

January 8, 2012

Well, I’ve looked through my collection, and I must have played every game I own at least twice. So, Steam demos to the rescue!

The Clockwork Man: The Hidden World is more or less your standard item-hunt style game, although unlike a lot of them, this includes a steampunk robot as a sidekick and hint-giver. I’m a big fan of even the idea of steampunk, so just the appearance of the robot bumps the game up a couple of notches for me. The mechanics work well compared to some other implementations, I feel it strikes just the right balance between insultingly easy and “fuck whoever designed this shit with a broken broom handle” hard.

The story is, surprisingly for an item hunt game, existent. It’s also pretty good. You play as a girl whose name I can’t remember (because I skipped the introduction figuring there wouldn’t be a story I could care about. It was a calculated risk and it backfired) who embarks on a search for the circumstances of the deaths of her parents. In the process, she discovers four jet black cylinders with strange electromagnetic properties and references to a strange hidden world.

Personally, the way it’s handled shows some influence from writers like H.P. Lovecraft and Jules Verne but made much, much lighter in tone. Given that the full game costs fifteen dollars, I’d say it’s probably around the right price for the game, but if you like the game but not the price, I’d say just wait for one of Steam’s many sales.

h1

Review: Boa Vs. Python

January 5, 2012

It’s clear to me now that I am not a well man. After all, what person without any mental sickness would willingly stay up until one o’clock in the morning to watch fucking Boa Vs. Python? I’ve still got fifteen minutes before the movie comes on, and I’ve just made the mistake of looking the movie up on Wikipedia.

You might be wondering why looking it up was a mistake. Well, it’s because Wikipedia has a picture of the DVD cover:

What the fuck is this shit? I swear to you on my reputation (what little I have), that I actually saw better CG when I was in college. In fact, this cover looks like a photoshop mock-up that someone would make for a college assignment. In fact, this looks like a few photoshops I saw in my high school new media class. In 2005. Looks like someone found the clone and lens flare tools. But enough appetizers, let’s get to the meat of this one.

Read the rest of this entry ?

h1

Coming Attractions: January 2012

January 3, 2012

Since I finished the story missions in L.A. Noire, I feel like a self-imposed challenge.

I’ve got it! Sci-Fi Original Movies!

Since no sane man would pay real money to buy a copy of a Sci-Fi original movie, I’m just going to be watching these as they come on.

Early Thursday: Boa vs. Python

January 14: Pumpkinhead: Blood Feud

January 18: Haunted Prison

January 23: Carny

Plus: Whatever games I have that strike my fancy.

I’m doomed, aren’t I?

(Note: Yes, I know they changed their name to SyFy, but it’s so painfully stupid that I can only bear to type it once.)