Posts Tagged ‘february’


Review: The Dirty Dozen and Call of Duty

February 25, 2011

The Middle East is conspiring against this blog. Or at least that’s what I would say if I was an insane conspiracy nut who didn’t know any better. In all seriousness, the people in Tunisia and Egypt and Libya deserve just so much credit, because they are infinitely more brave than I am. Here’s hoping that everything over there gets resolved with as little bloodshed as possible.

Anyway, on to less serious matters. Here’s The Dirty Dozen and Call of Duty.

The movie stars Lee Marvin as Major Reisman, who has to convince twelve imprisoned soldiers (including such notables as Donald Sutherland, Telly Savalas, Charles Bronson, and former Cleveland Browns running back Jim Brown) to join a unit to be dropped behind enemy lines. Once there, they are to infiltrate a French château, and kill every Nazi therein.

Along the way, they have to deal with domineering Colonel Everett Dasher Breed (Robert Ryan), the skeptical Major General Worden (Ernest Borgnine), and the inherent challenges that come from organizing twelve anti-authority prisoners into an efficient Nazi killing machine.

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Review: The Sum of All Fears and Command & Conquer: Generals

February 18, 2011

Let me preface this by saying that the last couple of weeks have been a real suck fest. Now that the minutes have been read, here’s what is likely to be the highlight of my week.

2002s The Sum of All Fears, based on the Tom Clancy novel of the same name, begins with a short sequence set during the 1973 Yom Kippur War. As the combined Syrian and Egyptian forces close in on the IDF, an Israeli jet takes off on patrol armed with one nuclear bomb. The fighter is shot down by a Syrian SAM site, and over time, the desert sands conceal the bomb’s existence.

Nearly thirty years later, two Syrian junkers find the bomb and unwittingly sell it to international arms dealer Olson (Colm Feroe) for four hundred dollars, who immediately turns around and sells it to Austrian Neo-Nazi Richard Dressler (Alan Bates) for fifty million dollars.  Meanwhile, Jack Ryan (Ben Affleck) and CIA Director William Cabot (Morgan Freeman) travel to Russia to inspect their nuclear decommissioning facility.

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I’ve made a horrible, terrible mistake.

February 17, 2011

So, in the throes of some kind of hideous lapse in judgement, I decided that tonight would be the night that I watch TNA iMPACT!. This is the first time I’ve watched wrestling in almost a decade, and I could have picked a much better show to re-immerse myself. And it’s not like I had any illusions about the quality of TNA. I knew going in that the show was a great big steaming pile, but this is just fucking ridiculous.

I don’t know how Spoony does it. For the love of all things holy, he watches this dreck week after week after week. And he’s still standing. After all the bullshit this show throws at you, he still comes out every week smelling like roses. The man must be a distant cousin of Superman. After you read this, go to his website. Watch his videos, give him a comment. He deserves that at the very least. As for me, I’m going to take a nap. TNA iMPACT! is an exhausting show to sit through.


CPAC 2011 or: Why I Aborted This Post

February 15, 2011

So I was going to have this long, drawn out post about how the jokes at CPAC weren’t good, but when I went back and read it, I came off sounding like a jerk, and I kind of liked Victoria Jackson on Saturday Night Live, and I started feeling like an asshole. So here’s a painting of a woman with an attack ferret instead.


They scrapped Freedom Fighters 2 for what?

February 12, 2011

Back in 2004, a good friend of mine got me a copy of Freedom Fighters for my birthday. I loved it. It was one of the most fun games I’ve ever played. The story was one of the best I’ve ever seen in a shooter, the artificial intelligence is still among the best in gaming, the squad system would make Ghost Recon 2 envious, and the music makes you feel like you’re in the middle of a Russian invasion, with propaganda speakers spewing out these grandiose Soviet orchestral scores.

The game had flaws, sure. Despite the general quality of the AI, the enemy would sometimes charge straight at you. The level design is a little boxy, and it might just be the most triumphant example of the absurdly spacious sewer. Sequel talk started the year after the original came out, and in 2010 someone from VG24/7 asked IO director Karsten Lund about FF2.

“No comment.”

That basically tells me that Freedom Fighters 2 is never coming out, or at least not until Gearbox buys the rights to make it. So let’s take a look at what they dumped Freedom Fighters for. Kane & Lynch. Kane. And. Fucking. Lynch. This is the game that got a Gamespot editor fired because he was willing to call this series what it is: average. Jeff Gerstman gave it a 6.0, which clashed with the fat sacks of cash money that Eidos was giving Gamespot to pimp out this train wreck. And I completely stand by the train wreck comment, along with the gaming community at, giving the game a D- for the 360 version, acknowledged to be the better of the two.

And so, facing mixed reviews for a game that they poured thousands of hours into creating and even more money pimping, what do you think they did? Well, you know already because they already did it. Instead of making a sequel for a game with an 80+ score on metacritic and and an A rating on, they made Kane & Lynch: Dog Days, a four hour long abortion that should have been a ten dollar DLC.

If it seems like this really bothers me, that’s because it does. This pisses me right the fuck off. Every time I think about it, the only question running through my head is “What the fuck were they thinking?” It’s incomprehensible that a production company would fuck up this badly. But it happened.


Review: Dogma and Left Behind: Eternal Forces

February 11, 2011

This has been one hell of a week. Since last Friday, I’ve gotten sick, got better, got sick some more, and had my grandfather taken to the hospital with low hemoglobin, get a transfusion, had him feel better, and seen the birth of a new Egypt. And still I update this piddly little blog that has no impact on anything. Because I’m committed to it. I said reviews every Friday and I stand by that. So here’s my review of Dogma and Left Behind: Eternal Forces.

The fourth installment of Kevin Smith’s View Askewniverse, the movie is about two renegade angels, played by Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, who are trying to get into heaven. Along the way, they take vengeance on the sinful, including the majority of the board members of the Mooby corporation.

Meanwhile, Bethany Sloane, a Planned Parenthood worker, is visited by the seraph Metatron, who acts as the voice of God. She joins prophets Jay and Silent Bob, Rufus, the 13th apostle left out of the bible for being black, and Serendipity, the muse responsible for nine of the top ten grossing movies of all time, who works as a stripper on Earth due to a righteous bout of writers block, and together they proceed on a holy pilgrimage to a church in New Jersey.

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Review: Heat & SWAT 4

February 4, 2011

Heat may be one of the seminal crime dramas, at least in part due to starring two giants of the genre, Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino. Neil McCauley (DeNiro) and his team plan to rob a bank with an estimated twelve million payoff. Meanwhile, homicide lieutenant Vincent Hanna (Pacino) is hot on their trails, investigating an armored car robbery and murder. The robbery culminates in a six-minute long running gunfight through the streets of Los Angeles, which makes it a strong contender for greatest bank robbery ever committed to film.

If you have ever seen someone or heard someone doing an Al Pacino impression, this is the movie they were quoting. “She got a GREAT ASS! And you got your head…ALL THE WAY UP IT!” Seriously, Pacino in this movie would give Christopher Walken a run for his money. The casting department for this movie is full of geniuses. Between DeNiro and Pacino, there is no way this movie would end poorly.

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