Posts Tagged ‘april’

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Review: Please Don’t Eat My Mother

April 20, 2012

This is the story of a socially awkward young man, a strange carnivorous plant, and the grisly things he does to feed it- No, wait, that’s 1986 musical and one of my favorite films, Little Shop of Horrors. No, this is the story of a socially awkward young man, a strange carnivorous plant, and the grisly things he does to feed it. And a voyeurism fetish.

Yes, Please Don’t Eat My Mother begins with a young couple making out in a car while Henry, the hero of our little film, watches. But then it’s time to get back to work (which, incidentally, we never see him doing throughout the entire film). He stops at a florist’s on the way home and picks up the little plant.

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Review: Coming to America

April 17, 2012

And so, we come to the last of March’s reviews, and only seventeen days late! Coming to America is one of the great romantic comedies of recent times, surpassed possibly by only When Harry Met Sally. So you might be wondering, why choose this over one of the most iconic romantic comedies of all time? Eddie Murphy in his prime.

This film is Eddie Murphy at the top of his game. He’s just come off of Beverly Hills Cop II and Eddie Murphy RawBeverly Hills Cop III was still six years away, Bowfinger was still more than a decade off, and the less said about Norbit and Meet Dave, the better.

But there’s more to this movie than just Eddie Murphy. There’s a whole roster of stars: Arsenio Hall, James Earl Jones, Vanessa Bell, John Amos, Louie Anderson, Cuba Gooding, Jr., and Samuel L. “Motherfucking” Jackson. Hell, even Ralph Bellamy and Don Ameche reprise their roles from Trading Places, as the now-destitute Randolph and Mortimer Duke.

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Review: The Ugly Truth

April 9, 2012

Well, I suppose there’s no use in putting this off any longer. The Ugly Truth.

Katherine Heigl plays Abby Richter, the producer of a morning show in Sacremento, California. And you know what, before I even start I’d like to take a moment to remind everyone that this script was written by three women from a story written by one of them, and produced by Katherine Heigl and two of the screenplay writers. Just keep that in mind.

After a particularly disastrous cooking segment, Abby is called in by her boss. The morning show just isn’t getting the ratings they expect, and the network is considering dropping the show. But enough about her potentially being unemployed, we have to see her fail to find love through a combination of her date being a liar and her being controlling to the point where it gets a little creepy – not only did she do a background check, she brought it along with her! Oh, The Ugly Truth, I can tell you’re going to be a lighthearted comedy romp that won’t make me want to snap the disk over my knee.

She comes home after what can only be described the Hindenburg of dates where her cat turns on a show called “The Ugly Truth”, hosted by Mike Chadway, who is played by Gerard Butler. He’s a sexist asshole. No, I’m not joking. Mike Chadway suggests that the only things women need to get a man are a Stairmaster and fellatio.

Written by three women.

The next day, Abby shows up at work only to find that her boss has hired Mike on, based on the back-and-forth that they had the previous night. I’m going to speed through the rest of this, because I really want to be done with this review. To make a long story short, Abby takes Mike’s advice and ends up wooing the doctor she’d been going after, Mike learns that doctor Colin doesn’t like Abby for who she really is, she breaks up with him, and eventually gets together with Mike. Yes, the man who was introduced to us as a chauvinistic douchebag.

I’d like to list off why exactly this ending pisses me off.

  1. As it turns out, Mike isn’t a chauvinistic douchebag, he’s just hurt. Why? Why in the pus spewing blood-gutted HELL was this a plot point?! Just to point something out: not all dicks have been emotionally hurt, and the ones that have sure as shit can’t be fixed in a week. It would take years of therapy, and that’s if he isn’t being a dick for being a dick’s sake.
  2. If you’re going to pull the “kicked puppy” card, you have to play it a hell of a lot sooner than they did here. We’ve spent the majority of this movie hating Mike. You can’t just switch that kind of dislike off  with one scene. You might have had a chance after five minutes, but not after seventy-five.
  3. God bless Katherine Heigl in this movie. She is trying so hard to make a character that is pretty much every frat boy’s description of their controlling ex. I know I haven’t talked much about Abby, but Mike just pissed me off so much more.

In conclusion, I’m going to quote from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy entry on love: “Avoid, if at all possible.”

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Review: Total Extreme Wrestling 2005

April 4, 2012

I suppose, given the nature of the beast, that I can’t legitimately talk about a professional wrestling simulator without talking about professional wrestling itself.

American professional wrestling has its roots in the traveling carnival system. Early on, it was more of a show of athletic competition but as time progressed, the carnival promoters started adding fictional backgrounds, costumes, and stories to the shows. And then around the start of World War I, it came out that these matches weren’t entirely about the athletic competition anymore.

Combined with the retirement of Frank Gotch, a legend of his day (for perspective, think of it as if The Undertaker or Hulk Hogan stopped having anything to do with wrestling), this revelation sent professional wrestling into a tailspin that it wouldn’t fully recover from until the invention of television. This was the birth of modern professional wrestling.

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Coming Attractions: April 2012 (for real!)

April 3, 2012

Yeah, that was a joke. I might be able to pull off a clip show with video, but it doesn’t work so well with written reviews. So I’ve decided to steal a page from Brad Jones and take on some awful horror comedies.

We begin this banquet of banal (alliteration is fun.) with Please Don’t Eat My Mother, a 1973 film that appears to have run off with the Little Shop Of Horrors script and a magic marker.

Next in our lineup is Motel Hell, a redneck take on Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street.

We head into the home stretch with 1982’s Basket Case, centering around a hotel where evil lives. In a basket. And is a puppet.

And finally, we round out this cavalcade of caustic crap with 1981’s Shock Treatment, the failed followup to the much beloved and mocked Rocky Horror Picture Show.

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Crummy Ass Clip Show! ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas (Worms: Reloaded Review)

April 1, 2012

First Posted: December 23, 2011

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a worm soldier was stirring, not even Lt. Krauss
The ammo sacks were hung by the fireplace with care
In hopes that exploding sheep soon would be there

The Privates were nestled all snug in their cots
While visions of petrol bombs danced in their thoughts
And I in my eye-shade and Cap in his cap
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap

When out by the walls there arose such a clatter
I sprang in my jetpack to see what was the matter
Away to the outpost I flew with a flash
Pulled off the gas cap and poured out the gas

For down by the wall in the full moon’s bright light
My eyes beheld a most terrible sight
A rusty jalopy was rambling by
Its rusty old trunk filled with supplies

The driver of course was Mr. Martyn Brown
A man whose name carried certain renown
“Worms: Reloaded for sale!” he cheerfully cried
“It’s just not that good,” I dejectedly sighed

“It’s just like the others, at much higher price,”
“Although, some new weapons are admittedly nice,”
“But the one-player campaign’s a pain in the ass,”
“The enemies never miss, it’s such a morass!”

These few comments had him seeing red
And steam very nearly shot out of his head
“This game was never meant to be played alone!”
“You play it with friends, online or in home!”

“Well then, why have one player mode at all,”
“If you mean for up to four players to brawl?”
“It’s not worth the money, play the others instead,”
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to bed.”

This seemed to confound him, for a moment he faltered
And then, in an instant, his expression had altered
He ran to his Gremlin and jumped in the seat
His head hung in shame, he realized his defeat

“Now three liter, now I6, now Borg-Werner manual,”
“On Goodyear, on drivetrain, on beloved water spaniel!”
“On to the highway! On to the road!”
“On to drop off this big, fat load!”

His tires just spun, and his car did fishtail
He pulled on the wheel, all to no avail
He caught traction and cried as he sped towards the well
“Merry Christmas to all, I shall see you in hell!”

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Coming Attractions: April 2012

April 1, 2012

Well, March didn’t go particularly well, so I’ve decided to build in some lag time to let me get back on track – a whole month’s worth. Now, you may be wondering how I’m going to do that while still having things posted. The answer is a simple one –  a crummy-ass clip show! That’s right, all month I’m going to be posting some of my personal favorite reviews from the last year or so.

Today: ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas (Worms: Reloaded Review) – First Posted December 23, 2011

April 9: Review: Team Fortress 2 – First Posted September 27, 2011

April 16: Late August Clusterf**k Über-Review – Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, The Fifth Element, Tycoon City: New York, Poker Night At the Inventory, Chrono Trigger – First Posted August 31, 2011

April 23: Review: Postal and Tunnel Rats – First Posted April 15, 2011

April 30: Review: Weird Science & Back to the Future – Episode I – First Posted January 28, 2011