Posts Tagged ‘22nd’

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Review: Commando

July 22, 2012

Arnold Schwarzenegger is like the Austrian bodybuilder version of Michael Jackson. Both insanely popular thanks to their respective talents, both regular targets of jokes about their public and private image. And in both cases, it really did come from a place of love. If it were some investment banker accused of diddling kids, there wouldn’t have been any jokes. If it were just some guy from Austria running for the Governor of California, no one would have batted an eye.

But because it was the King of Pop, because it was the Terminator, everyone sat up an paid attention. Even with the jokes being at their expense, it was also a celebration of them, and that’s really what this month is about: celebrating all the cheesy things about action stars that made us love them. And I can think of no better place to start than with one of Arnold’s first big hits, Commando.

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Lingerie Football League

October 22, 2011

Well, I took some time off, but I have to admit, it feels good to be back. I’ve grieved, felt better, and ultimately, it is kind of a relief knowing that she isn’t in any more pain.

Anyway, on to the matter at hand. Lingerie Football.

I want you, just y’know, as you think of this concept, just ask yourself one question: “Is this really necessary?”

Now, I don’t mean in the sense of athletic competition, because that’s not the point of this. No one’s really watching this for the athletics, just like no one’s watching wrestling for the story and the behind the scenes politics (Take the hint, TNA iMPACT Impact Wrestling). So, if we accept the fact that everyone watching is just in it for the boobs and the butts, it still doesn’t make any sense because there are much easier ways to see hot women.

The internet, for example. The internet is absolutely jam packed full of pictures of ladies (and men, and women with man-parts. I’ve seen some sick shit, and you DO NOT want links.) in various states of undress. Really, with just the sheer amount of pictures and videos and even a few games catering to any number of fetishes, if you’re resorting to lingerie football for sexual gratification, get an external hard drive and stock up.

The only people I can imagine this holding any attraction for is that small subsection that has enough money to afford cable, but doesn’t have any kind of internet connection, and if you’re in this group how are you reading this are you a wizard?

Anyway, I’ve got that off my chest. For Halloween, I’ll be taking a look at a TV movie that was part of my childhood, The Halloween Tree. I haven’t actually seen this one on in quite a while, I’m not even sure it’s being broadcast anymore. I think it might have fallen by the wayside in favor of classics like the Peanuts special.

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Review: Troll 2 and Terrorist Takedown

April 22, 2011

Oh, have I ever got a treat for you this week. Troll 2 is an awful movie, but it’s a very special kind of awful. There’s a certain kind of…grandeur that creeps in, and you wind up asking how they had the balls to make this hilarious horror film.

The story starts off by ripping off The Princess Bride. A boy’s grandfather is telling him a story about goblins who turn people into plants and eat them. Also, the goblins look like Father Time took a bat to some Ewoks.  So the grandfather stops reading, the boy’s mother comes in, and reveals the grandfather’s been dead for six months. AHHHH! THE MILDEST AND CHEAPEST OF ALL SCARES!

And then we launch head long into exposition theater. She talks about how the family is going on vacation for a month, checks on her daughter who appears to be bench-pressing about thirty pounds, then goes downstairs where her husband is making arrangements to have someone look after his business while they’re away, mentioning the village is named “Nilbog” (Yeah, goblin spelled backwards).

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