Posts Tagged ‘1st’

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SimCity Retrospective: SimCity 3000

September 1, 2012

This is the post I was writing when I decided to spin off the Todd Akin stuff into a new category, which means I’m about a week or so behind on this one, and this head cold sure isn’t doing me any favors.

SimCity 3000…it’s complicated. See, this is the point in the series when Electronic Arts took over as the publisher. I’m going to go off on a little bit of a tangent here, so if you’re not interested in my opinion on EA, go ahead and skip to the next paragraph. EA has…well, they’ve got somewhat of a spotty record in taking over publishing for established series, the biggest example I can think of  being the rush job they made Origin do on Ultima VIII, shipping a product that was basically unfinished and damn near unplayable, but I’ll get deeper into EA when we hit SimCity Societies.

Now, as for SimCity 3000 itself, I don’t know. It’s-the game isn’t bad, it’s just a big shift from where SimCity 2000 was. The best way I can think of to describe it is that it’s cartoony. Let’s just quickly touch on some of the things the game introduces. First, starting with this game you had advisors for each of seven different matters, and they would give a detailed  account of situations in their field rather than just a short summary. Secondly, it is much, much more stylized, with the advisors being-

Moe Biehl

HOLY JESUS! WHAT ARE THESE GODDAMN ANIMALS?!

Er, yeah. That’s the transportation advisor, and the rest aren’t any better. The buildings are also more stylized. In addition, once your city gets to a certain size it starts producing trash, which has to be disposed of by either building incinerators or landfills, and now you can also deal with your neighbors, buying or selling water, power, or garbage capacity.

PROTIP: Never sell water to a neighbor, because you will eventually run out and when you do, you are going to be paying out the ass because of it.

SimCity 3000 came out in February of 1999, despite Maxis wanting it released in time for Christmas 1998. I’d say it came from the problems EA had with Ultima IX, but SC3K came out almost a year before. So there’s that theory shot down.

All things considered, SimCity 3000 isn’t bad. It’s different – very, very different – from almost everything else in the series, but…well, let me explain it like this. It’s the Temple of Doom of the SimCity series: Not bad, but the weakest until something worse comes along.

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Review: Minecraft

September 1, 2012

There’s actually a little bit of a story behind this one. Last…November, I think, I was helping my mom pick out some stuff for her two year old class. On the way to the puzzles she was looking for, I spotted Legos and my mind instantly turned to Minecraft. I decided to do a post comparing the similarities between Minecraft and Legos, but later decided against it when I realized that comparing Minecraft to Legos: A.) wouldn’t even come close to sustaining a full post, and B.) was kind of a dumb idea.

So, MinecraftMinecraft is the singularity of sandbox gameplay. It far surpasses any other title in terms of sheer potential. Do you like crafting? There are shit-tons of it. Hate crafting? A mod lets you give yourself any items you need. Enjoy model railroads? Build one! Like gold? Dig perilously close to lava to get it! Are you a fan of wheat and the process wheat goes through to become bread? Minecraft has you covered.

See, this is the real problem I have explaining this game. It’s barely a game, but what’s there is so far-reaching that you can get lost in all the aspects of this game for hours. Literally. I have gotten lost wandering around in the game, and if you don’t have a map it is very easy.

But if you need to waste some time, Minecraft is the game for you.

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Crummy Ass Clip Show! ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas (Worms: Reloaded Review)

April 1, 2012

First Posted: December 23, 2011

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a worm soldier was stirring, not even Lt. Krauss
The ammo sacks were hung by the fireplace with care
In hopes that exploding sheep soon would be there

The Privates were nestled all snug in their cots
While visions of petrol bombs danced in their thoughts
And I in my eye-shade and Cap in his cap
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap

When out by the walls there arose such a clatter
I sprang in my jetpack to see what was the matter
Away to the outpost I flew with a flash
Pulled off the gas cap and poured out the gas

For down by the wall in the full moon’s bright light
My eyes beheld a most terrible sight
A rusty jalopy was rambling by
Its rusty old trunk filled with supplies

The driver of course was Mr. Martyn Brown
A man whose name carried certain renown
“Worms: Reloaded for sale!” he cheerfully cried
“It’s just not that good,” I dejectedly sighed

“It’s just like the others, at much higher price,”
“Although, some new weapons are admittedly nice,”
“But the one-player campaign’s a pain in the ass,”
“The enemies never miss, it’s such a morass!”

These few comments had him seeing red
And steam very nearly shot out of his head
“This game was never meant to be played alone!”
“You play it with friends, online or in home!”

“Well then, why have one player mode at all,”
“If you mean for up to four players to brawl?”
“It’s not worth the money, play the others instead,”
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to bed.”

This seemed to confound him, for a moment he faltered
And then, in an instant, his expression had altered
He ran to his Gremlin and jumped in the seat
His head hung in shame, he realized his defeat

“Now three liter, now I6, now Borg-Werner manual,”
“On Goodyear, on drivetrain, on beloved water spaniel!”
“On to the highway! On to the road!”
“On to drop off this big, fat load!”

His tires just spun, and his car did fishtail
He pulled on the wheel, all to no avail
He caught traction and cried as he sped towards the well
“Merry Christmas to all, I shall see you in hell!”

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Review: Back to the Future and Back to the Future Episode I

July 1, 2011

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this yet, but Back to the Future is one of my favorite movie series of all time. I tend to think of it like this: my dad had the Star Wars trilogy, and I have Back to the Future. It was really the first movie I could quote pretty much at will. It’s really one of those movies that I could watch seventeen times in a few weeks, like my dad did with Star Wars. And now that you know my history, let’s get on with the review.

So, as I’ve said, anything Back to the Future is like crack to me, especially the original. We start with our primary protagonist, Marty McFly, showing up at the home of his friend, local inventor Emmett “Doc” Brown. After Marty destroys Doc’s giant amp with the power of rock, Doc calls to ask Marty to meet him at the mall at one in the morning. Doc’s clocks (It’s fun to rhyme) all go off at once, with Doc revealing that they’re all twenty-five minutes slow, presumably due to some prior experiment, at which point Marty realizes he’s late for school.

He makes his way to school, where he’s promptly caught by Vice-Principal Strictland and given his fourth tardy slip in as many days. Strictland advises him to pull his band out of the dance auditions after school, as “no McFly ever amounted to anything in the history of Hill Valley.” We completely skip the school day to get to the dance auditions, judged by Huey Lewis of course, where, after a rather spirited rendition of “The Power of Love”, he’s told that his band is “just too darn loud”.

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Review: Tiptoes and Home Improvement

April 1, 2011

This week was unusually uneventful. Normally, I use this space to talk about what’s been going on in the middle east, or the recent news about Japan, but things have sort have come to a standstill, more or less. The no-fly zone over Libya has evened things out, the damaged nuclear reactors in Japan are mostly under control, so there’s not much to talk about. Here’s Tiptoes and Home Improvement for the Super Nintendo.

Movies like this are why I do this week after week. Matthew McConaughey plays the only average sized member of a family of dwarves – oh, don’t leave yet, it just gets funnier and more wrong from here – whose fraternal twin brother, played by a CG-shortened Gary Oldman. Meanwhile, Oldman’s best friend, played by Peter Dinklage (Frank/Peter from Death At a Funeral) gets into a relationship with Lucy (Patricia Arquette), who he picked up hitch-hiking. McConaughey gets his girlfriend, played by Kate Beckinsale, pregnant. Fast forward like three months, and McConaughey and Beckinsale are getting married.

The ceremony always confused me, because it’s a Jewish affair, and there aren’t any other indications that the family is Jewish. It comes right the fuck out of the blue, and the whole thing seemed disjointed and kind of like it doesn’t fit. And then it leaves just as quickly.

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