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Review: Please Don’t Eat My Mother

April 20, 2012

This is the story of a socially awkward young man, a strange carnivorous plant, and the grisly things he does to feed it- No, wait, that’s 1986 musical and one of my favorite films, Little Shop of Horrors. No, this is the story of a socially awkward young man, a strange carnivorous plant, and the grisly things he does to feed it. And a voyeurism fetish.

Yes, Please Don’t Eat My Mother begins with a young couple making out in a car while Henry, the hero of our little film, watches. But then it’s time to get back to work (which, incidentally, we never see him doing throughout the entire film). He stops at a florist’s on the way home and picks up the little plant.

The next day, the two people are still making out, although Henry is joined by an unnamed man for his lunchtime ritual. And on the third day, the couple is nude in the back seat…uh…relating. After the whole voyeurism angle, I’ve come to two conclusions. One, that these scenes weren’t originally part of the movie, but co-opted from a porn the same guy was making to pad out the movie, and two, that this is the movie that those two kids in Manos: The Hands of Fate whose scenes never went anywhere were destined to be in.

While Henry is busy competing for the coveted All-City Creepy Fuck trophy, his plant (never named, I assume they couldn’t think of something that wasn’t Audrey II) develops a taste for larger and larger living creatures, going from flies to frogs to cats and dogs, and eventually eating Henry’s mother. And then we go right back to the sex. After that, a base parody of Lt. Columbo shows up investigating the death of Henry’s mother, and gets eaten for his trouble.

And then Henry calls for a hooker, and she gets eaten by the plant. But now he’s sick of risking everything to feed this plant, so he decides that the obvious solution is…to get another plant. Because this movie apparently takes place in Cloudcuckooland where logic is an undefined concept. He kidnaps the couple who’ve been having sex the entire movie and feeds them to his two plants. And then the plants start having sex. And then he sees an argument between his neighbors, where the wife or girlfriend kills her significant other. So he convinces her to let him feed the dead man to his new plant, and his original plant eats the woman after she offers Henry sex. His first plant starts having children as a result of the offscreen plant sex, and Henry gives them away. The end.

And so we come to the ultimate question: Was this movie any good?

Fuck no. In fact, I’m not even sure what I just watched, because a movie this awful shouldn’t be allowed to exist in a fair and just universe. Of course, this is an exploitation movie, so any expectations above “has video and audio components” is clearly setting the bar too high. But even in these meager standards, this…thing falls short. The video is consistently lagging by one to 1 1/2 seconds behind the audio. If you just compiled all of the scenes of people fucking, you might have a serviceable porn, but as it stands you have a movie shot on shitteo that can’t decide if it wants to be pornography or a comedy without any jokes or humor whatsoever.

And now I need a shower so I can wash the stink of this movie off of me.

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