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Review: Boa Vs. Python

January 5, 2012

It’s clear to me now that I am not a well man. After all, what person without any mental sickness would willingly stay up until one o’clock in the morning to watch fucking Boa Vs. Python? I’ve still got fifteen minutes before the movie comes on, and I’ve just made the mistake of looking the movie up on Wikipedia.

You might be wondering why looking it up was a mistake. Well, it’s because Wikipedia has a picture of the DVD cover:

What the fuck is this shit? I swear to you on my reputation (what little I have), that I actually saw better CG when I was in college. In fact, this cover looks like a photoshop mock-up that someone would make for a college assignment. In fact, this looks like a few photoshops I saw in my high school new media class. In 2005. Looks like someone found the clone and lens flare tools. But enough appetizers, let’s get to the meat of this one.

The movie starts off with scenes alternating between what is apparently a Lucha Libre match in Atlantic City between The Python and The Boa, and something being loaded on a truck in York, Pennsylvania. And it’s right about now that I wish they would just pick a scene and stick with it. Apparently it’s several hours later now, and the giant, hilariously poorly rendered CG snake has woken up and is escaping from the South American with a Russian accent thanks to general incompetence and a horrible actor.

The next morning, the man and woman who appeared at the fight and whose names I don’t know or care about are on a private plane owned by Broddick Company, whatever that is, so that the love interest can have a pointless tub scene and the two can have a love scene cut short. Meanwhile, outside Pittsburgh, the truck comes under investigation by the FBI, you know, what with the Russian South American having released a giant snake and  then blown up his own truck. Agent Smith shows up while Alton Brown speculates with his cameraman John Ratzenberger about a possible connection to, as he puts it, al-kai-eedah, and I really want him to get eaten.

Agent Smith meanwhile finds a scale the size of a band-aid box in the animal container. Cut to a water treatment plant in Philly. One of the utilities workers finds that the giant snake has shed its skin. And then the snake eats one of the other utilities workers. Back to the crime scene! A deputy falls in one of the victims bringing the agent a tranquilizer dart. The agents requests the files on a giant snake project that the CIA was working on, and the services of Monica Bonds. AND THEN WE CUT TO MIAMI! where we are treated to a pointless ass shot. Monica is competing against the virile young gentlemen in a breath holding contest when an FBI agent finds her. AND THEN WE CUT TO WEST VIRGINIA! to meet with a herpetologist.

This has got to be almost over, right? I mean, they can’t keep this level of bullshit up forever, can they? How far into this are we?

As it turns out, thirty minutes. They managed to cram this much bullshit into thirty minutes of movie.

I’m not going to survive this one, am I? They’re going to find me on the couch in the morning, choked to death on my own rage, aren’t they?

The FBI agent reveals his plan to destroy the giant python. You’re never going to guess what it is. It is so stupid that no human with a functioning brain stem could have possibly imagined it. The plan is to release a giant scarlet boa to fight it.

I’m going to repeat that now, because it is so stupid that I have to repeat it to make sure everyone gets it. The FBI agent’s plan…to stop the giant snake…is to let loose another giant snake. AND THEN WE CUT TO ATLANTIC CITY! where Broddick is meeting the big game hunters that he flew in the giant python for. AND THEN WE CUT TO BRODERICK’S PLANE! where Broddick is telling the hunters what’s going on. Now if only I could figure it out.

AND THEN WE CUT BACK TO WEST VIRGINIA! and the herpetologist’s lab. The FBI agent is explaining his plan, and the herpetologist calls it the stupidest plan he’s ever heard. Finally! Someone in this movie I can root for! Too bad he ruins it a few seconds later by going along with the plan. Well, he lasted as long as he could. They implant the giant boa with something I can’t be bothered to care about. MEANWHILE, IN PENNSYLVANIA, the snake has escaped the sewer tunnels (which thankfully prevents this from becoming a sequel to Sewer Shark) due to the FBI’s failure to in any way secure the manhole cover. After the reporter has a fight with the camera man, this Alton Brown looking motherfucker wanders off and gets his ass eaten! That moment, the very second when I realize that I never have to see him again in this movie…priceless.

AND BACK TO WEST VIRGINIA! for the herpetologist to make an impassioned plea for the FBI to not hunt down and kill the giant python, which might have worked better IF THE PYTHON HADN’T EATEN FOUR PEOPLE BY THIS POINT IN THE MOVIE! AND BACK TO PENNSYLVANIA! to witness the big game hunters getting ready for the big hunt and the FBI putting the giant boa implanted with cameras and microphones into the sewer system. Huh. Guess this is going to turn into a Sewer Shark sequel. And then there’s an extended sequence with the hunters wandering around in the woods, but I could not possibly give less of a shit. I know this for a fact; I’m actively trying to care less about the whole plot line with the hunters but I just-I can’t do it. I’m only one man!

I’m just going to go ahead and wrap this up with information from Wikipedia. Brodick and the hunters go into the treatment plant and find the boa guarding eggs. The soldier encounter the boa with their guns that the production team couldn’t even bother to put blanks in, and after they remember, there is a firefight…

…with Broddick’s girlfriend who I don’t care about getting constricted to death by the boa, causing Broddick to lose his shit. They follow the two snakes to a nightclub where Broddick flips the fuck out with a flame thrower and is promptly killed by the two snakes. The snakes fight on subway tracks, with the python being beheaded by a subway train. As this happens, the scarlet boa escapes, and the marine biologist and herpetologist head back into the tunnels to get the snake and her eggs out in an obvious sequel bait ending.

I now understand Richard Nixon having an enemies list. Because, after watching this shit-fest, I too now have an enemies list. It’s called anyone who had anything to do on any level with this fucking movie. I thank God that nothing ever came of this sequel. Every part of this movie is fucking terrible. The cast clearly doesn’t want to be here, the writer completely fails at anything approaching coherence, and if it takes the rest of my life, I swear to Aisha, I will hunt down everyone involved in this movie and punch them straight in the crotch. Oh, and for an extra special helping of bullshit, take a look at that DVD box again. Almost every square inch of that cover is a blatant lie. There are two snakes, and they do look like they do on the case. Everything else is a horrible fucking lie. The helicopter never appears, the snakes never fight in front of buildings (hell, they don’t fight period until five sixths of the way through the movie), and the snakes are not that big. And the other mistake on the cover: look at the snakes again. Notice how they both have visible jutting teeth despite being constrictor snakes who don’t have teeth like that.

Jesus tap-dancing Christ on a communion cracker.

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