Review: Team Fortress 2

September 27, 2011

“And that is why any time two or more animals are together it’s called a ZOO!”

Ah, Team Fortress 2. I’ve been playing for about four months now, although I’ve been following it since about 2009, and when it wasn’t free, I made do with the freeware, 8-bit demake Gang Garrison 2. But the second I found out it had become free to play, I got to playing. And now, I’m starting to get the hang of it. A lot of this is going to be geared to those in the know, but for the uninitiated, here’s a brief synopsis.

There are two groups of mercenaries, each hired by one of two holding companies that secretly rule the world, Reliable Excavation and Demolitions (RED) and Builder’s League United (BLU). They fight over silly things, like control of territories and companies, or industrial secrets, or occasionally just for the hell of it. Each group of mercenaries has nine different classes: The Scout (a punk from Boston who’s as quick with a boast as he is on his feet), The Soldier (an insane World War II veteran who was rejected by all American armed forces and refused to stop fighting until 1949), The Pyro (a firebug of indeterminate gender with a fondness for charging into and charring crowds), The Demoman (a black Scottish cyclops with a penchant for laying remote mines and hard cider), The Heavy (a Russian mountain of a man with a minigun named Sasha and Ph.D. in Russian literature), The Engineer (an inventor and holder of eleven science doctorates from a small town in Texas), The Medic (a German doctor and possible ex-Nazi with a sadistic streak and an intense curiosity about the human body), The Sniper (an Australian assassin [NOT a crazed gunman] with a taste for decaf and throwing jars full of urine at the enemy [The Jar-Based Karate!]), and The Spy (a French double reverse quadruple agent master of disguise with a wit as sharp as his knife).

Wow. That wasn’t brief at all.

It’s primarily a multiplayer game, but if you’re not good against other people, fear not! There is a practice mode with bots designed to get you up to speed – but if you want to earn achievements and better items, you’re going to have to head out to a server eventually. As to how it is…well, here’s what I managed to do in the last day or so.

  • Forced a tenth person into the water with my flamethrower
  • Got my fifth revenge kill
  • Set a tenth person on fire after they came out of a teleporter
  • Set three medics on fire before they could deploy their ÜberCharge
  • Built a dispenser that healed three teammates at once
  • Healed a teammate who was taking fire from four enemies
  • Deployed an ÜberCharge within eight seconds of a nearby medic
  • Jumped into water to avoid being cremated

Yeah. It’s been a busy day. If you decide to get on, I go by the username “raan”, and I will medic for you, or if you’re a medic, I will break through the enemy lines with you.

“Unless it’s a farm!”


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