Found Footage

August 30, 2011

Hell of a week.

I haven’t forgotten about the blog or anything, it’s just been one clusterfuck after another, what with my grandmother going into the hospital for leg surgery, getting lost in the system the same day (which caused me to drive down there, with cracking some skulls a possibility), looking after her cat while she was in recovery, her cat needing surgery for a bad hip and staying another three nights to help her with him. All in all, a full rich week.

But that’s not the main point here. No, this post is devoted to another catastrafuck entirely, that of the “found footage” movie, which conveniently lined itself up in my sights because of the upcoming Apollo 18. I blame The Blair Witch Project, mainly because it’s their fucking fault for starting this shit in the first place. Even so, I can cut them some slack by virtue of the fact that they shot the movie on a shoestring budget. It was done on handheld video cameras and had no special effects really, so it’s more of a psychological horror than most of the found footage bullshit.

The main problem with found footage is the fact that at the best of times, it’s blurry, jumpy, and nausiating, and at the worst of times, it’s just plain insulting. Which brings me right back to Apollo 18 (and no, I’m not italicizing that until someone comes out and admits that it’s a work of fiction. Hell, even saying it’s in an alternate reality would help.) and Bob Weinstein, who still insists that they didn’t shoot any of this.

So, I see that skull-cracking I mentioned has been upgraded from Possible to Imminent.

Okay, here goes. Apollo 18. Never. Happened. It was canceled with a handful of other Apollo missions due to NASA budget cuts AKA Nixon was too much of a tightwad to cough up for going back to the fucking moon. There are no parasites on the moon because there is no fucking atmosphere on the moon. The moon is surrounded by a freezing vacuum in which no life can survive. But let’s throw all scientific facts out the window. (God knows the writers did.) For the sake of argument, let’s say that the filmmakers are right, that there was an Apollo 18 that was covered up because of moon parasites, and that a movie production company just happend to “find” the “footage” from the mission, managed to cut it together into a feature length movie without the government finding out and shutting them the fuck down, despite an all out media blitz.

Who the fuck cares?

This is a legitimate question. Why should we give a shit that there are parasites on the moon that have no way to reach the rest of humanity? There is absolutely no threat to the human race from these impossible aliens. And on another note entirely, what kind of sick amoral fuck sees this footage and says to himself, “Holy shit, we’re going to make a shit-ton of money exploiting the deaths of the bravest men humanity has ever created!”? God damn, Bob Weinstein, what the fuck is wrong with you!?

you’ve had the time, you’ve had the power


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