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Review: Friday the 13th and BioShock

May 13, 2011

I don’t see any way for this to go well, so let’s get started so it can be over. This is Friday the 13th and BioShock.

I really wish I knew why I agreed to watch this movie. As you might be able to guess by this point, I didn’t like it. It’s a reboot of the series that combines elements from the first four movies. Really, it’s my own fault. I should have known when I saw that Michael Bay was involved.

The movie starts off showing Pamela Voorhees getting beheaded by one of the escaping councilors as Jason watches. He picks up the machete that was used to kill his mother and claims it as his own. Twenty years later, a group of teens show up at the camp trying to find a weed field. This being a Friday the 13th movie, they naturally get slaughtered. And in my opinion, not a moment too soon.

I mean, I know we’re supposed to sympathize with Jason by how they show his origin story, but if you’re at a Friday the 13th movie, odds are you’re not there hoping to see the teens survive. After six weeks, more teens arrive, and guess what? Most of them get slaughtered. I know, right? One of them manages to stab Jason through the chest with his own machete – shocking, I know – and the two remaining teens escape.

Ha! I’m joking – Jason’s still alive. And he still has super-human strength if the way he bursts through the dock is any evidence.

Do you know what Friday the 13th movie is better than this one? Any Friday the 13th movie. I would rather watch Jason X than this movie, because at least then I could make jokes about it being Jason…IN SPACE!

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I’m not entirely sure how to describe BioShock. Well, I guess I’ll start from the beginning. The player character, Jack, starts out the game on a trans-Atlantic flight which mysteriously crashes improbably close to the underwater Objectivist paradise of Rapture. The driving force behind much of the activity in Rapture is ADAM, stem cells from sea slugs which can rewrite the human genome.

These slugs were implanted in little orphan girls by Dr. Brigid Tenenbaum and funded by mobster and businessman Frank Fontaine. And now that I write it down, that sounds really horrible. This-this is not a happy story by any stretch of the imagination. Shortly after arriving in Rapture, Jack is approached by Tenenbaum who offers him rewards for saving the orphans from these slugs. You get less ADAM in the short run, but it pays off in the long run.

I’m not going to give away the twist, but I will tell you the endings. If you save the orphans, you get the good ending to the game. You make the choice to not take over Rapture, but you get a family. If you harvest the orphans, you take over Rapture as a dictator, and the game more or less calls you an asshole.

I really have no problem with this game. It’s a lot of fun, even though some of the ADAM powers are kind of unnecessary, and if you haven’t played it yet, what are you waiting for? Go. Go now. It’s very, very good.

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