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Review: Zardoz and Two Worlds

April 29, 2011

So, I’ve made another mistake. When I wrote the “Coming Attractions” for this month, I got Two Worlds II confused with the original game. From what I understand, the sequel is a fairly good game, and a major step up. Without further dudes, here’s Zardoz and Two Worlds.

Zardoz is fucking insane. There, I said it. The avatar of the God Zardoz is a giant floating stone head that speaks to men who wear suspenders and red manties and it vomits guns and ammunition. Then one of these worshipers is revealed to Sean Connery who shoots a revolver into the camera, perhaps in an attempt to put the viewer out of their misery. Sean Connery wakes up in a pile of sand in Zardoz’ mouth, where he finds sleeping people in clear plastic bags.

I can tell already that this review is going to be an exercise in futility. Zardoz is indescribable. I am dead serious, I have absolutely no fucking clue what is going on, and I seriously doubt that Sean Connery does either. And now there’s a girl riding nude on a horse that was apparently a hallucination. We’re about twenty minutes in here. This is evidently what the director of Deliverance does when given a free pass.

Like I said, Zardoz is fucking insane. But it’s a very enjoyable kind of insane. It goes so over the top that it becomes one of those “Bad Movie Night” staples. There really is no way I can describe this movie. I’m not that good. All I can legitimately say is buy this movie. Watch it. Mock it. Enjoy life forever. Also, Sean Connery in red manties, a pair of suspenders/bandoleers, with a ponytail and a Zapata-style mustache. How can you not watch that?

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Two Worlds is awful. It’s just a shitty Oblivion rip-off. Really, there are very few things this game did right. It doesn’t crash, the graphics aren’t the most hideous thing I’ve ever seen, and the models are relatively good quality. Now on to what it did wrong. Pretty much everything else. The story is pretty much bland shit, you can knock around enemies with ease, every time you hit  an enemy, it interrupts their attack, none of the wild animals respawn, and the whole thing feels rushed and incomplete.

Do yourself a favor. Instead of buying a copy of this, go find a copy of Oblivion. It’s far, far better and as a bonus, it has Patrick Stewart in it.

And that will do it for bad movie month! Honestly, I’m relieved. But at least I have a year before I have to do it all again.

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