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Review: Troll 2 and Terrorist Takedown

April 22, 2011

Oh, have I ever got a treat for you this week. Troll 2 is an awful movie, but it’s a very special kind of awful. There’s a certain kind of…grandeur that creeps in, and you wind up asking how they had the balls to make this hilarious horror film.

The story starts off by ripping off The Princess Bride. A boy’s grandfather is telling him a story about goblins who turn people into plants and eat them. Also, the goblins look like Father Time took a bat to some Ewoks.  So the grandfather stops reading, the boy’s mother comes in, and reveals the grandfather’s been dead for six months. AHHHH! THE MILDEST AND CHEAPEST OF ALL SCARES!

And then we launch head long into exposition theater. She talks about how the family is going on vacation for a month, checks on her daughter who appears to be bench-pressing about thirty pounds, then goes downstairs where her husband is making arrangements to have someone look after his business while they’re away, mentioning the village is named “Nilbog” (Yeah, goblin spelled backwards).

After the Holly’s boyfriend sneaks in and scares her, she tells him that he’s a dick, and her family hates him, implying that her father would castrate him. She then proceeds to invite him on a road trip to Nilbog. He and his hetero life mates decide instead to stage an independent road trip to Nilbog. In an RV. Without telling her. I would just like to point out that for the amount of money they’re paying to be rejected by girls somewhere else, they could just hire some hookers and be done with it.

Back on the family road trip, Joshua falls asleep and has a horrible dream. Chlorophyll pours down his head as he slowly turns into a tree. After waking up with a yelp, he hallucinates his grandfather again, this time on the side of the road with a sign reading “STOP THEM”. Insert predictable joke reference to the producers of the movie.

The family arrives at Nilbog, which appears to have taken a Flint, Michigan-style nose dive in the Eighties. We’re only eighteen minutes in, people, and I don’t think it’s going to get any better. Time to skip ahead. Joshua continues to hallucinate his grandfather, this time telling him to stop his family from eating. And the only way he can think of to do that is peeing on everything. What. Some random woman drinks a sap potion that apparently turns her into boiled spinach. The trolls goblins come down from upstairs and eat her. These two scenes lead to the only lines in the movie that anybody remembers.

“You can’t piss on hospitality! I WON’T ALLOW IT!”

“They’re eating her! Then they’re going to eat me! OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDD!”

That is really how long he stretches out the word “God”. This movie is one of the worst pieces of shit ever put to film. It is also the funniest horror movie I’ve ever seen in my life. The actors can’t act, the story would have been better if it were completely improvised (there might have been trolls in it then), the effects look like they were invented by a third-grade class, and the whole thing is…just terrible. But remember, there are two classes of terrible. There’s the kind where you want to punch someone for making you remember the movie exists (Postal), and then there’s movies where you immediately pop it in on a Thursday night to make fun of it with your friends (Manos, The Hands Of Fate). Fans of Troll 2, much like fans of Rocky Horror Picture Show, get together for showings and proceed to mock it and throw things at the screen. If for some inexplicable reason you want to watch Troll 2, go out of your way to get the Rifftrax version. It’s the closest we’ll get to having MST3K take it down.

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Terrorist Takedown, much like Tunnel Rats last week, absolutely refused to function on my computer. And I think, in both cases, that my computer was trying to protect me. Unlike Tunnel Rats, Terrorist Takedown has precisely one gameplay video on YouTube. So it’s not just my computer. Other people’s computers are trying to protect me from this game. This game is awful. And by that, I don’t mean that it’s too hard, or that the graphics are bad, although yes it is those things as well. No, pretty much everything about this game sucks.

The difficulty is all out of whack. When you’re barely surviving the first level on normal, it might just be time to recalibrate the settings a little. The graphics are terrible, mainly the models which are blocky as all hell. And the landscape which is just sand and blocky buildings that can’t even keep their own textures straight. And I know it’s kind of a minor point, but the GUI is ugly as hell. All in all, I would not recommend buying, renting, or even standing near a copy of Terrorist Takedown for too long.

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