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Questions I Had While Watching Movie Trailers: Fast Five

April 7, 2011

Why Rio De Janeiro? It seems like an awfully long drive from…Generic Urban Cityscape, USA to 2/3rds of the way down South America.

Vin Diesel’s character just set a pile of money on fire. When, exactly, did he become Heath Ledger’s portrayal of The Joker?

Didn’t these movies used to be about street racing?

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is in this movie. I didn’t know he was still acting.

“This just went from mission impossible to mission in-freakin’-sanity.” Who were the writers for this movie? How do you write a line like that and not immediately become nauseous? Are these writers still working today, and if so, how? How does someone live with themselves after deciding, “Yes. This is the best thing that he can say at this moment.”?

They dropped a sports car off the back of a flatbed truck. When did this franchise become the game Spy Hunter?

When did this group start robbing banks? HOW WOULD YOU EVEN PULL THE VAULT OUT OF THE BANK?

Why does Hollywood keep making these movies?

If you can answer any of these questions, please don’t. I don’t really want to know, because the answers would likely cause my brain to splatter like a watermelon at a Gallagher show.

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